Passing the time with words

I have heard @SeanFlannery say on many occasions: “There is a difference between a celebrity...

Sun, 09 Jun 2013 00:45:58 -0400

I have heard @SeanFlannery say on many occasions: “There is a difference between a celebrity and a working actor.”
Tonight, after failure upon failure… being passed over for prettier pictures and skinnier, younger girls… I finally took on my first run at actually -being- a working actor myself.
It isn’t some amazing movie role, or spot on TV… its a regular spot in a paid improv troupe and I couldn’t be more in love with this.
I have never been more in love with anything I’ve done than what I did tonight. I got thrown in… unsure if I was ready… learned the show just this afternoon… and just jumped in.
I was afraid for years that I would hate my dream once I finally got to do it, but I’m just utterly, completely and amazingly in love with it.
I’m not saying I just had a dream with no experience… I’ve been doing it on and off for most of my life, but the fact that this is on a professional level…
I’m truly overwhelmed with how much I love this…

Thanks @wwwbigbaldhead

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 21:05:47 -0400

I seriously want to bash my head in the wall right now. You know, it sucks so fucking hard to have a dream that seemed okay when you’re younger, but as you get older, its so massively frowned upon and looked at like its silly and selfish and basically stupid if you haven’t made it happen by a certain age.
I wasted a huge portion of my life somewhere that while what I was doing brought smiles to thousands of people every day, the satisfaction only went so far…
At the end of a decade doing that, it was gone in the blink of an eye because the stress it was causing was making me physically ill. Now, I’m out, having the time to make what I want happen, but I’m seriously met with brick walls at every turn.
I start to give up then Norman Reedus ends up on my Twitter timeline. Damnit Norman. All the things he has had a part in… the work he has done keep sparking my inspiration and yet again, I can’t move on from this dream like I know I should.

I’m just one silly girl. Average in so many ways, but this dream is meant for someone far beyond average. Is it so much to ask to be able to do what you love? I guess if you ask the guy at the fast food drive thru, his answer would be yes, but even when I try, I can’t bring myself to think like that… it isn’t too much to ask, and I know if I was just given a fucking chance… ugh.

There is a part of me that wants to let go, but a bigger part of me that needs to hold on and prove to mostly myself that it has all been worth it. Every time I am ignored, looked over, passed over and walked on by the industry, freaking Norman Reedus shows up on my TV or timeline and I hold on tighter… so I’m a Norman fangirl, but its his work, his inspiration that keeps me (possibly stupidly) trying.
So, thanks for that. I actually mean it.

Just A circle

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 02:09:55 -0400

It’s just a circle, around your finger,

an indentation where it should sit

but you sleep, and seem so at peace.

Sitting just outside the door

I can hear you gasping for air

and I know…

this storm that rages just below my surface

boiling and seething

rages beneath yours as well

but I let you see my pain

my tears soaked your shirt

but I wasn’t begging you to stay

I only wanted you to see

but my words caught fire

and can’t be undone

Just two circles

they sit side by side,

but they are not on intertwined fingers

still you sleep

but your peace has vanished

restlessly, you toss about

and again you gasp for air

I sit just outside the door

with a force that keeps me immobile

in waking hours

the truth will be burried

your circle will sit beside mine

in a box meant for things long forgotten

but the ache in my chest

where the life in me once beat

will remind me to never forget

Those three little words

you muttered as a punctuation

have lost their meaning

and I can no longer hear them

as I gasp for air

pollution (2004)

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 01:15:03 -0400

Breathing in the smoke

it clears my head

two A.M. again

so far from where I should be

This pollution’s got me understood

figured out for now

breathing out this anger

stealing words from strangers

passed the point of any comfort at all

feeling torn apart and strangled

all the pain and scars are fading… fading out

The smoke, it clears

wisdom fading

all the clarity found

out of reach now

but I’m still trying

holding on to the little bit I have left

figured it out for now

in the silence that I have now broken

I see the consequence, unspoken

so much in here to figure out

so few lifetimes

so much pollution

and what I’ve figured out for now.

Inanimate (1997 or 1996)

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 01:00:18 -0400

The violent yet beautiful aroma of the candles jumped out at her as she stared into the flames.

She wants to live in a dream world

she wants to be beautiful

she wants to be perfect to herself and everyone else

she wants someone to put her in a dolls house

to raise her up above all the rest then rip her back down

Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? she asks herself

Why aren’t I beautiful?

Why aren’t I talented?

Why won’t anyone look into my heart and see passed my frightening face, straggly hair and disgusting awkward body?

She throws another plate away, hoping to make a difference

She stares into the mirror, her best friend by her side

asking him the same questions, but he never answers.

His lips are sealed in a frame of gold.

His eyes vacant and painted…

Recall (1997)

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 00:38:48 -0400

One long wailing scream

at the end of a beautiful dream

Falling from the twilight moon

hopeless thoughts are coming true

and everything you ever knew, distorted

Prolonged in euphoria

away with the sun

where only the gifted ingenious shall come

Shattering the beauty that sparkles and fades

Listen to the voices that guide you today

bewildered envisionments

come to thy love

nothing much better for him to think of

summer nights of wilting ponder

want to stay forever longer

Crashing, though be slow and somber

stop

Drifting slowly turns to speed

passed all the hopes and wants and needs

returning to unconscious sleep

disrupted by the calling weak

One long wailing scream

at the end of a beautiful dream

My sweet serenade

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 11:28:10 -0400

Sweet serenade in the midst of a storm

I choke on the pain, but I sing even more

The thought of it all just makes me feel sick

the lies that you’re spreading are growing and thick

Look at yourself

and your own disappointments

I am not the cause of your fears

Cutting me down

to make you feel important

just to stifle your tears

Take my sweet song

and tear it to pieces, and see that all you’ll have left

is your own beating heart

and an empty apartment to feed all your lonely regret

you’ll swear that it lies

and that you’ll be alright

when the dust settles and around where you lay

but when it’s all done

there is no substitute for the one thing that you can’t replace.

Untitled (new)

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 11:07:29 -0400

You can’t feel what you’ve taken from me… I can hardly feel anymore…

In every reprimand, every time you childishly call me a ridiculous name…

Every day makes you worse

You’re just an asshole with something to prove.

you won’t change or alter for anyone or anything.

It’s what you say…

It’s your excuses

I’ve had it with excuses

Say something nice… Anything

Reassure me of why I’m still here

Give me SOMETHING to work with, anything at all…

All this time has made me weak

I am ashamed at the person I have become…

The person I swore I’d never be, the girl I used to look down on…

Is this what love is all about?

In Between Hours (2011)

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 02:48:17 -0400

I’m talking in circles to the sky, walking in circles across the night, taking my turn dancing with the lies, but it’s fine… It’s fine.

and I’m stuck in between these hours. Trying to find a way to pass the time… It stands so still as life flies by, but I’m holding on for dear life. So many words to say, but what does it mean when no one is listening?

Can I ever sing loud enough, try hard enough, or ever just be enough?

Maybe I’m to old to ignore it… though I try so hard, it just keeps creeping back in. I can’t explain why it won’t just go away…

but I can’t accept that this is all that’s left for me.

I will stay stuck in between these hours.

talking in circles to the sky

trying to pass the time

walking in circles across the night

as time stands still

dancing with the lies

holding on for dear life

lost in between these hours

the end of this bottle (2005)

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 02:36:05 -0400

�

Falling into the times from the past

Pictures fading, but memories, they last

Falling down through that old wooden door

All that lost but I wont ask for more

�

Friendly faces and hypocrisy

Themed the days that went on endlessly

In the corner standing still

At the end of this bottle and against my will�� against my will

�

Through all the angst and the madness that steered

Down the path that took all our tears

Now replaced by these cold tile floors

And the falsities behind unopened doors

�

Friendly faces and hypocrisy

Themed the days that went on endlessly

In the corner standing still

At the end of this bottle and against my will�� against my will

�

And I herd the crash on the floor

Was it real or did you need more

More than I ever could

But I’m tired of these faded photographs

And the thoughts of the times that have passed

Put away until next time

defeated (2006)

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 02:32:07 -0400

seemingly small

more than understated

last one to fall

last one you’d think of

beautifully solom

intense dreamer

lost in the shadows

beaten not defeated

the most truthful answer

the last honest speaker

given to empty hands with idle time

to sleep without dreamong

to tear and rip apart

the last of them all

i shed a final tear

for all that i lost

inside that little blue pill

full of empty hands

comming out of the shadows

defeated

fragment (2007)

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 02:30:23 -0400

in this small piece of time

with just a fragment of light

i see only what you want me to.

pieces to be put together

assumptions made

wrongly accused

rightly felt

this fragment of light illuminates only enough

enough for a terrifying chill to fill the air

enough for it all to fall

enough

a small thought grown

now the basis of all you believe in

through the fragment of light

you shined for me

sanity 2007

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 02:29:11 -0400

These colors screaming at me.

The noises bouncing off these walls, dance around in my head and close in on me.

I’m screaming so loud for someone to help me from drowning, but as I stare at myself, that stupid plastic grin is all I can see.

My face seems so distorted.

That unforgiving falsity that I despise, oozing from my pores, and I cant breathe again.

I still feel it running down my arm.

The blood from the scars that have long since healed.

I still feel it.

This isn’t me.

This isn’t the way to handle the sarcasm that only hides the truth in their humor, and the fact that I seem to believe.

I don’t believe.

Pick out the real words I say.

Nothing I say is a lie.

Nothing is intended exactly as they are interpreted.

This is the truth I believe for all of us.

Bullshit artists, forging bonds with those around us.

For the sake of sanity, let me breathe again.

Take away the colors.

Let the noise out of this room, out of my head.

In a moment of clarity, tell me something true.

Could this stupid plastic smile melt into something real?

Will the resentment ever fade?

This Stupid fucking button

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 02:26:35 -0400

the clock is moving.

in the farsighted eyes of everyone you think you know.

hands opened but just too far away.

this goddamn button.

too much time has passed, and time to prove there is nothing to prove.

why am i trying to fix myself with chemicals? they don’t work.

the levels of personality are what make a person more than a portrait.

a smile you can see in their eyes.

no smile at all is better then a fake smile.

the feeling if true inhibition and knowing that “i love you” is true every time.

there is no faking that kind of comfort.

the passing of faces in the hall ways and in the street.

the most judgemental race of creatures.

the most hideous of the beasts is you in your own eyes, or could it be the one you say “i love you “to and mean it?

the arms you fit into.

this stupid fucking button.

and the ones that fit in your arms.

running noses and sneezing fits.

a bad mood killer.

absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

but let me have that time.

let me have other topics of conversation.

let me have color.

believe me, there are worse things than a label of dork,

believe me. don’t just hear, listen.

go grab a bite to eat.

finish your cherry coke and take a shower. you could use one.

All and nothing (2007)

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 02:23:15 -0400

i have a confession to make, but i wont make it

i have this heart that i keep breaking

its the one that beats inside me

its the one that pleads for sanity

its the one that holds every layer hostage

the one that feels sympathy

the one that feels no shame

i have a mind that keeps on racing

i have nothing but time

a plea for sense

a plea for lost innocence

a plea to just fit in

i have these eyes that keep on looking

i have these eyes that just keep bleeding

the loss

the fear

the one and only fear

i have it all

all and nothing

Demons (2008)

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 02:20:15 -0400

It is the sick feeling in your stomach

I guess it is why everything hurts you.

my lasting sorrow

my growing glow

this roller coaster without a level place

no room to breathe

no time to sigh

to just reflect on everything.

it is when i am all alone

i am lost inside my head

i am under attack within.

sorrow

loneliness

paranoia

restlessness

and the demons ive trapped inside

the demons i created.

none of it is real, yet i get lost in it all.

lost to escape

escaping reality

not the best idea.

the things that are real

the people that are real

they are so much better than anything

but still i get taken hostage

when i am alone

why cant i stop it… them.

it is more than levels

it is the death of me

Silence (2009)

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 02:17:48 -0400

though i know there is more...

silence is all i can hear.

the t.v. is on

the radio playing

every light on

trying to keep myself company

the uneven load in the washer

it must be pounding

but i see where you should be sitting...

want to hear what you would be saying

or at least the familiar song that my phone plays....

i only hear the silence

feel the heavy loneliness

taste my fear in every drink

lost in the thought of a misfortunate night...

will this one be the one?

the one that leaves me on my own

wondering what i will do next?

drinking it down

feeling the fear creep in

thinking aloud...

the silence is all i hear.

Another shade of gray 2008

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 02:15:26 -0400

Is this lining silver or a deceiving shade of gray…

I so desperately despise every shade of gray.

Disguised as a chance for peace, comfort, one breath of clean air…

only i find the it was gray all along.

Damn this gray scale, and all its false hope.

Damn this silver spoon that turned my mouth green.

No longer holding onto hope.

No longer a bright side.

Bring on the rain.

The consistent pain.

bring it on.

Familiarity beats the hell out of having the rug ripped out from underneath you time and time again.

Forget the hope.

Forget the dream.

The only thing to hope for is survival.

I used to dream.

The technicolor so vivid and bright…

That was, until i realized it was all just another shade of gray in disguise

The Answer (2010)

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 02:09:22 -0400

decorated / aggravated

discharged but honorably

stacks of paper adding up to failure

that uniform has no more clout…

hes re-informed as the lights go out.

�

(the answers in a box under the bed)

he put that gun in his hand

just take a breath its not the only way

cant be a better man

how selfish can you be? it wont fix anything…

cant let them down again

what about those who survive in your wake

he put that gun to his head

�

black and blue, another bruise

not taken seriously

six weeks intensive care…

couldn’t hide

no way out this time…

�

(the answers in a box under the bed)

she put that gun in her hand

just take a breath its not the only way

he cant be a better man

how selfish can you be? it wont fix anything…

cant let him put her down again

what about those who survive in your wake

she put that gun to her head

�

lonely

its only

in your head

cant fight away the thinking

you would be better off…

(the answers in a box under the bed)

you put that gun in your hand

you let everyone down

trying so hard to understand

you put that gun down

They dismiss your dimensions They laugh at intensity They hate your intentions The cause of all...

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 02:05:26 -0400

They dismiss your dimensions

They laugh at intensity

They hate your intentions

The cause of all the misery…

A long lost smile

A bitter angry man

Behind faces of denial

A cracked and wilted hand

A ship in a bottle With no where to go

The pressure builds and the consequence unknown

They put you on display

They watch you fall to pieces

They put you away

But the pain never lessens

That long walked mile

That little angry man

And everything in that file Sinking in the sand

A ship in a bottle With nowhere to go

The pressure builds Consequence unknown

A ship in a bottle No waves to ride no tide to follow

Just this glass house

Cracked