I seriously want to bash my head in the wall right now. You know, it sucks so fucking hard to have a dream that seemed okay when you’re younger, but as you get older, its so massively frowned upon and looked at like its silly and selfish and basically stupid if you haven’t made it happen by a certain age.
I wasted a huge portion of my life somewhere that while what I was doing brought smiles to thousands of people every day, the satisfaction only went so far…
At the end of a decade doing that, it was gone in the blink of an eye because the stress it was causing was making me physically ill. Now, I’m out, having the time to make what I want happen, but I’m seriously met with brick walls at every turn.
I start to give up then Norman Reedus ends up on my Twitter timeline. Damnit Norman. All the things he has had a part in… the work he has done keep sparking my inspiration and yet again, I can’t move on from this dream like I know I should.
I’m just one silly girl. Average in so many ways, but this dream is meant for someone far beyond average. Is it so much to ask to be able to do what you love? I guess if you ask the guy at the fast food drive thru, his answer would be yes, but even when I try, I can’t bring myself to think like that… it isn’t too much to ask, and I know if I was just given a fucking chance… ugh.
There is a part of me that wants to let go, but a bigger part of me that needs to hold on and prove to mostly myself that it has all been worth it. Every time I am ignored, looked over, passed over and walked on by the industry, freaking Norman Reedus shows up on my TV or timeline and I hold on tighter… so I’m a Norman fangirl, but its his work, his inspiration that keeps me (possibly stupidly) trying.
So, thanks for that. I actually mean it.
It’s just a circle, around your finger,
an indentation where it should sit
but you sleep, and seem so at peace.
Sitting just outside the door
I can hear you gasping for air
and I know…
this storm that rages just below my surface
boiling and seething
rages beneath yours as well
but I let you see my pain
my tears soaked your shirt
but I wasn’t begging you to stay
I only wanted you to see
but my words caught fire
and can’t be undone
Just two circles
they sit side by side,
but they are not on intertwined fingers
still you sleep
but your peace has vanished
restlessly, you toss about
and again you gasp for air
I sit just outside the door
with a force that keeps me immobile
in waking hours
the truth will be burried
your circle will sit beside mine
in a box meant for things long forgotten
but the ache in my chest
where the life in me once beat
will remind me to never forget
Those three little words
you muttered as a punctuation
have lost their meaning
and I can no longer hear them
as I gasp for air
Breathing in the smoke
it clears my head
two A.M. again
so far from where I should be
This pollution’s got me understood
figured out for now
breathing out this anger
stealing words from strangers
passed the point of any comfort at all
feeling torn apart and strangled
all the pain and scars are fading… fading out
The smoke, it clears
wisdom fading
all the clarity found
out of reach now
but I’m still trying
holding on to the little bit I have left
figured it out for now
in the silence that I have now broken
I see the consequence, unspoken
so much in here to figure out
so few lifetimes
so much pollution
and what I’ve figured out for now.
The violent yet beautiful aroma of the candles jumped out at her as she stared into the flames.
She wants to live in a dream world
she wants to be beautiful
she wants to be perfect to herself and everyone else
she wants someone to put her in a dolls house
to raise her up above all the rest then rip her back down
Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? she asks herself
Why aren’t I beautiful?
Why aren’t I talented?
Why won’t anyone look into my heart and see passed my frightening face, straggly hair and disgusting awkward body?
She throws another plate away, hoping to make a difference
She stares into the mirror, her best friend by her side
asking him the same questions, but he never answers.
His lips are sealed in a frame of gold.
His eyes vacant and painted…
One long wailing scream
at the end of a beautiful dream
Falling from the twilight moon
hopeless thoughts are coming true
and everything you ever knew, distorted
Prolonged in euphoria
away with the sun
where only the gifted ingenious shall come
Shattering the beauty that sparkles and fades
Listen to the voices that guide you today
bewildered envisionments
come to thy love
nothing much better for him to think of
summer nights of wilting ponder
want to stay forever longer
Crashing, though be slow and somber
stop
Drifting slowly turns to speed
passed all the hopes and wants and needs
returning to unconscious sleep
disrupted by the calling weak
One long wailing scream
at the end of a beautiful dream
Sweet serenade in the midst of a storm
I choke on the pain, but I sing even more
The thought of it all just makes me feel sick
the lies that you’re spreading are growing and thick
Look at yourself
and your own disappointments
I am not the cause of your fears
Cutting me down
to make you feel important
just to stifle your tears
Take my sweet song
and tear it to pieces, and see that all you’ll have left
is your own beating heart
and an empty apartment to feed all your lonely regret
you’ll swear that it lies
and that you’ll be alright
when the dust settles and around where you lay
but when it’s all done
there is no substitute for the one thing that you can’t replace.
You can’t feel what you’ve taken from me… I can hardly feel anymore…
In every reprimand, every time you childishly call me a ridiculous name…
Every day makes you worse
You’re just an asshole with something to prove.
you won’t change or alter for anyone or anything.
It’s what you say…
It’s your excuses
I’ve had it with excuses
Say something nice… Anything
Reassure me of why I’m still here
Give me SOMETHING to work with, anything at all…
All this time has made me weak
I am ashamed at the person I have become…
The person I swore I’d never be, the girl I used to look down on…
Is this what love is all about?
I’m talking in circles to the sky, walking in circles across the night, taking my turn dancing with the lies, but it’s fine… It’s fine.
and I’m stuck in between these hours. Trying to find a way to pass the time… It stands so still as life flies by, but I’m holding on for dear life. So many words to say, but what does it mean when no one is listening?
Can I ever sing loud enough, try hard enough, or ever just be enough?
Maybe I’m to old to ignore it… though I try so hard, it just keeps creeping back in. I can’t explain why it won’t just go away…
but I can’t accept that this is all that’s left for me.
I will stay stuck in between these hours.
talking in circles to the sky
trying to pass the time
walking in circles across the night
as time stands still
dancing with the lies
holding on for dear life
lost in between these hours
Falling into the times from the past
Pictures fading, but memories, they last
Falling down through that old wooden door
All that lost but I wont ask for more
�
Friendly faces and hypocrisy
Themed the days that went on endlessly
In the corner standing still
At the end of this bottle and against my will����������� against my will
�
Through all the angst and the madness that steered
Down the path that took all our tears
Now replaced by these cold tile floors
And the falsities behind unopened doors
�
Friendly faces and hypocrisy
Themed the days that went on endlessly
In the corner standing still
At the end of this bottle and against my will����� against my will
�
And I herd the crash on the floor
Was it real or did you need more
More than I ever could
But I’m tired of these faded photographs
And the thoughts of the times that have passed
Put away until next time
seemingly small
more than understated
last one to fall
last one you’d think of
beautifully solom
intense dreamer
lost in the shadows
beaten not defeated
the most truthful answer
the last honest speaker
given to empty hands with idle time
to sleep without dreamong
to tear and rip apart
the last of them all
i shed a final tear
for all that i lost
inside that little blue pill
full of empty hands
comming out of the shadows
defeated